What's going on?
Many ADHD brains feel emotions fast and intensely, and find them hard to dial down. Many autistic people also have alexithymia: difficulty recognising or naming feelings. So emotions can be huge, and a mystery.
You’re not “too much”. Your volume is just higher.
Emotions can be hard for AuDHD people in two different ways at once. ADHD often brings feelings that arrive quickly and at high intensity, and that are hard to turn down once they start. Autism often comes with difficulty noticing and naming what you feel, sometimes until hours later. Put together, you can be flooded by a feeling you cannot yet identify. That is frightening, and it makes it hard to ask for the right kind of help in the moment.
Hard to read, hard to calm
Here is how the two compare:
| Hard to name | Hard to dial down |
|---|---|
| “I feel bad, but not sure how” | 0 to 100 in seconds |
| Feelings show up in the body | Rejection hits really hard |
| Realising you were upset hours later | Frustration boils over |
| Stuck on “how are you?” | Joy is huge too |
Intense and confusing, often at the same time.
What it can look like
A few everyday examples:
- Crying, and not knowing why
- Mistaking anxiety for hunger
- One small comment ruining the day
- Going quiet when words won’t come
- Shutting down when it’s all too much
- Laughing at the “wrong” moment
Help to name it
- Check your body first: Tight chest, hot face, clenched jaw?
- Start broad: Good, bad, or overloaded?
- Use a feelings list: Pick words, instead of finding them.
- Answer later: “Can I tell you tomorrow?” is fine.
- Look for patterns: A notes app or mood tracker helps.
Help to ride the wave
- Pause before replying: “Let me get back to you.”
- Move it through: Walk, shake it out, stim.
- Cool down: Cold water on your face or wrists.
- Question the story: “It feels like rejection. Is it?”
- Rest afterwards: Big feelings use a lot of energy.
Where to start
Start with the body, because it usually notices before your mind does. A tight chest or clenched jaw is information. Use broad labels first, such as good, bad or overloaded, and get more specific later if you can. Giving yourself permission to answer later takes a lot of pressure off.
The bottom line
Big feelings deserve patience. Especially from you.
This post is for awareness, not diagnosis or treatment. If your feelings ever feel unmanageable or unsafe, please contact your GP. In the UK you can call Samaritans any time on 116 123.
Want the swipeable version? This post is also a carousel on Instagram: follow @johnhasaudhd for more on life with AuDHD.