What's going on?
The ADHD side often craves connection, novelty and spontaneity. The autistic side can find socialising draining or confusing. So you can feel lonely and overloaded in the same week.
It’s not that you don’t care. Caring takes energy.
AuDHD friendships often run on different rules. The ADHD side is drawn to people, novelty and spontaneous plans. The autistic side finds socialising tiring and needs time alone to recover. So you can miss your friends badly and still cancel on them. Add time blindness and forgotten messages, and long gaps open up that have nothing to do with how much you care. Many AuDHD people end up with a small number of very deep friendships rather than a wide circle.
Two social styles
A quick comparison:
| Autistic side | ADHD side |
|---|---|
| Prefers one-to-one | Loves a lively group |
| Needs plans in advance | Makes plans on a whim |
| Finds small talk hard | Interrupts when excited |
| Needs recovery time after | Forgets to reply for weeks |
Friendships can feel harder than they should.
What it can look like
It varies from person to person, but it often includes:
- Replying to a message in your head, and never sending it
- Cancelling plans you were genuinely excited about
- Info-dumping, then worrying you talked too much
- Replaying a conversation for days afterwards
- A few deep friendships, rather than lots of casual ones
What helps
- Tell friends how you work: “I’m slow to reply, but I care.”
- Try parallel play: Hang out while doing your own thing.
- Send voice notes: When typing feels like too much.
- Plan a built-in exit: “I can stay until nine.”
- Find your people: Groups built around your interests.
To the friends reading this
- Don’t take slow replies personally: It’s not a sign of how they feel.
- Keep inviting: Even if they often say no.
- Say what you mean: Hints are hard to decode.
- Enjoy the info-dumps: Sharing a passion is a sign of trust.
- Quiet time counts: Being together is enough.
Where to start
The simplest thing you can do is tell your friends how you work. A line like “I am slow to reply, but I always care” prevents a lot of hurt. Look for low-pressure ways to stay in touch, such as voice notes or doing separate things in the same room. The friends worth keeping will understand.
The bottom line
The right friends will get it.
This post is for awareness, not diagnosis. Everyone’s different, and good friendships work for both people.
Want the swipeable version? This post is also a carousel on Instagram: follow @johnhasaudhd for more on life with AuDHD.