Built the perfect routine, then abandoned it on day three?
The routine paradox
The autistic side needs routine to feel safe. The ADHD side gets bored and drifts away from it. So routines can feel essential and impossible at the same time.
You don’t need a perfect routine. You need a flexible one.
Routine is where the two sides of AuDHD pull hardest against each other. The autistic side relies on sameness to feel calm, and a broken routine can throw off the whole day. The ADHD side gets bored, forgets the routine exists, or rebels against it. So people build detailed routines, keep them for a few days, and then blame themselves when they collapse. The routine was not the problem. It just had no room for the ADHD side.
What each side wants
Side by side, it looks like this:
| Autistic side | ADHD side |
|---|---|
| Same steps, same order | Something new |
| Knowing what’s next | Freedom to change plans |
| A clear start and end | Short, quick tasks |
| No disruptions | Forgets the routine exists |
The answer: structure with choices.
What it can look like
You might recognise some of these:
- Building the perfect routine, then dropping it on day three
- A whole day thrown off by one change
- Needing the same breakfast to feel okay
- Forgetting a routine you’ve done for months
- Feeling guilty for “failing” at routines
Build it loosely
- Anchor points: A few fixed moments each day.
- A menu, not a list: Choose from options.
- Stack habits: Link new habits to old ones.
- Keep it short: Three steps, not ten.
- Make it visible: A checklist on the wall.
Keep it going
- Plan for bad days: Have a minimum version.
- Refresh it: Swap parts when it gets boring.
- Use alarms: A reminder for each anchor.
- Don’t restart from zero: Pick up where you are.
- Celebrate streaks: Visual progress helps.
Where to start
Try a looser structure. Pick a few fixed points in the day, and let the bits in between vary. Give yourself a menu of options rather than one strict list. Decide in advance what the smallest version looks like on a bad day. And when you fall off, start again from where you are.
The bottom line
Structure, with room to breathe.
This post is for awareness, not diagnosis.
Want the swipeable version? This post is also a carousel on Instagram: follow @johnhasaudhd for more on life with AuDHD.