The quiet “good girl” at school who fell apart at home? AuDHD in women is often missed.
Why are they missed?
Autism and ADHD were mostly studied in boys, so the stereotypes are based on boys. Many girls learn to mask early, and their struggles get labelled as anxiety, shyness or being dramatic.
Missed doesn’t mean mild. It means unseen.
For a long time, the common picture of autism and ADHD was based on how they appear in young boys. Girls and women whose traits look different were often overlooked. Many learned early to copy others and hide what marked them out. Their interests seemed ordinary, their distress was quiet, and they were described as shy, anxious, sensitive or dramatic. Plenty reach adulthood exhausted and unsure why, and only recognise themselves when they read another woman’s story.
Often mistaken for
Here is how the two compare:
| Seen as | Could be |
|---|---|
| Shy and quiet | Autistic social differences |
| Chatty and scatty | ADHD traits |
| An anxious perfectionist | Masking to cope |
| “Just hormones” | Traits shifting with hormones |
Different presentation, same neurotype.
What it can look like
A few everyday examples:
- Being the quiet “good girl” at school
- Copying friends to fit in
- Intense interests that seem “typical”, like books or animals
- Holding it together in public, falling apart at home
- Being diagnosed with anxiety or depression first
If this sounds familiar
- You’re not imagining it: Many women are diagnosed as adults.
- Write down examples: From childhood to now.
- Include hormones: Note changes across your cycle or menopause.
- Ask your GP: About autism and ADHD assessments.
- Read women’s stories: AuDHD women online and in books.
For everyone else
- Look past stereotypes: Autism and ADHD have no one look.
- Believe her: Struggles can be well hidden.
- Notice masking: Coping isn’t the same as okay.
- Support assessment: It can change everything.
- Include everyone: Non-binary people get missed too.
Where to start
If you see yourself here, you are not imagining it. Write down examples from different stages of your life, including how things change with hormones, and take them to your GP. Reading and listening to other AuDHD women can help a great deal. It was never a personal failing that nobody noticed.
The bottom line
It was never all in your head.
This post is for awareness, not diagnosis. AuDHD shows up differently in everyone, whatever their gender. Your GP is a good place to start.
Want the swipeable version? This post is also a carousel on Instagram: follow @johnhasaudhd for more on life with AuDHD.