Say “I’m fine” when you’re really not? Let’s talk about self-advocacy.
What is self-advocacy?
Self-advocacy means speaking up for what you need, and knowing you deserve it. It can feel hard after years of masking, being told you’re too much, or not yet knowing your needs.
Asking for help isn’t being difficult. It’s being clear.
Asking for what you need sounds simple, but many AuDHD people find it very hard. If you spent years masking, you may not be sure what your needs are. If you were told you were too much or too sensitive, asking can feel like causing trouble. Fear of rejection, difficulty finding words under pressure and forgetting to follow up all add to it. The result is often putting up with things until you reach a crisis.
Why it’s hard
A quick comparison:
| Autistic side | ADHD side |
|---|---|
| Unsure what to say | Forgets to follow up |
| Fear of conflict | Worries about being a burden |
| Needs time to process | Blurts it out, then regrets it |
| Masked needs for years | Rejection sensitivity |
Speaking up takes practice.
What it can look like
It varies from person to person, but it often includes:
- Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not
- Knowing what would help, but not asking
- Apologising for having needs
- Putting up with a bad situation to avoid a fuss
- Only asking once you’re already in crisis
Know your needs
- Notice what drains you: And what helps.
- Write it down: A list of needs and adjustments.
- Use examples: “Written instructions help me focus.”
- Start small: Try a low-stakes ask first.
- Practise it: Rehearse with someone safe.
Ask clearly
- Be specific: Say what, when and why.
- Put it in writing: Emails create a record.
- Skip the over-explaining: A short reason is enough.
- Bring support: A friend or an advocate.
- Follow up: Check it actually happened.
Where to start
Start with something small and low-risk. Work out what would help, and practise saying it in one plain sentence. Put requests in writing where you can, so there is a record. You do not need to justify yourself at length. A short reason and a clear request are enough.
The bottom line
Your needs are valid.
This post is for awareness, not legal advice. In the UK, advocacy services and Citizens Advice can help.
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