Start here
You don’t need to be an expert. You need to be curious, not judgemental. Every AuDHD person is different, and what helps one person might overwhelm another.
So start by asking “What helps you?” Then believe the answer.
Supporting someone who is AuDHD is less about special techniques and more about dropping assumptions. A lot of friction comes from reading their behaviour through a neurotypical lens: a forgotten plan looks like not caring, a quiet evening looks like sulking, a blunt answer looks like rudeness. Usually none of that is true. Their brain is handling energy, attention and sensory input differently, and what you are seeing is the result.
Small swaps, big difference
Put next to each other, the difference is clear:
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “Just try harder” | “What’s getting in the way?” |
| “You were fine yesterday” | “Energy changes. That’s OK.” |
| Surprise plans | Plans shared in advance |
| “Why are you so quiet?” | “Want company, or space?” |
Kindness and patience matter more than perfect words.
Communication that helps
- Say what you mean: Hints and hidden meanings are exhausting to decode.
- Put it in writing too: A quick text after a chat helps it stick.
- Allow processing time: A pause isn’t a “no”. Let the answer arrive.
- Text before calling: Unexpected calls can feel like an ambush.
- Don’t read into bluntness: Direct usually just means honest, not upset.
Supporting the ADHD side
- Be a body double: Just being there can make starting possible.
- Remind, don’t nag: Friendly, shared reminders beat repeated asking.
- Shrink the first step: “Open the laptop”, not “do the report”.
- It’s not about you: Forgetting isn’t a sign they don’t care.
Supporting the autistic side
- Give notice of changes: Even small ones. Surprises cost energy.
- Leave stimming alone: It’s regulation, not rudeness. No comments needed.
- Make leaving easy: An agreed quiet exit takes the pressure off.
- Ask about their interests: Then really listen. It’s a gift to be asked.
Where to start
The most useful thing you can do is ask, then adjust. Pick one thing from this post and try it for a week, such as sharing plans earlier or sending a text before you call. Notice what changes. Small, consistent adjustments build far more trust than one big gesture.
The bottom line
No need to be perfect. Just keep showing up.
Everyone’s different, so the best guide is always the person themselves.
Want the swipeable version? This post is also a carousel on Instagram: follow @johnhasaudhd for more on life with AuDHD.