“Nobody listens to me.” “He makes me so angry.” “I can’t do this.” We talk in shorthand all the time, and a lot of meaning is lost along the way. The Meta Model is NLP’s toolkit for getting it back.
Where it comes from
Bandler and Grinder described the Meta Model in The Structure of Magic (1975), drawing on the questioning styles of Fritz Perls and Virginia Satir, combined with ideas from linguistics. It is the mirror image of the Milton Model (see NLP part 3): where the Milton Model is deliberately vague, the Meta Model asks for precision.
The three ways language shortens experience
NLP says that when we turn experience into words we do three things.
Deletion. Details are left out.
- “I’m upset.” (About what? Who with?)
- “It’s too difficult.” (Compared with what?)
Generalisation. One or two cases become a rule.
- “Nobody listens to me.” (Nobody? Ever?)
- “I always get it wrong.” (Always?)
Distortion. The meaning of events gets twisted or assumed.
- “He makes me angry.” (How, exactly, does he do that?)
- “She didn’t smile, so she’s annoyed with me.” (How do you know?)
Questions to ask
| Pattern | Example | A clarifying question |
|---|---|---|
| Unspecified person or thing | “They don’t care.” | “Who specifically?” |
| Unspecified action | “He ignored me.” | “How, specifically?” |
| Universal words (always, never, nobody) | “She never helps.” | “Never? Has there been a time she did?” |
| Can’t / have to | “I can’t speak up.” | “What stops you?” / “What would happen if you did?” |
| Cause and effect | “Meetings stress me out.” | “How do meetings cause the stress?” |
| Mind reading | “He thinks I’m stupid.” | “How do you know?” |
What the evidence says
The Meta Model as a whole has not been tested in good trials. That said, the questions resemble methods that are well supported. In CBT, therapists use similar questioning, called Socratic questioning, to examine thoughts and test whether they fit the facts. Clarifying vague statements is also a basic part of good counselling and good management.
So the technique is sensible, even if the NLP wrapping is unproven.
How to use it well
- Ask with curiosity, not as a challenge. “Who specifically?” can sound like an interrogation. Soften it: “Help me understand who you mean.”
- Pick one question. Don’t fire off a string of them.
- Use it on yourself. Notice your own “always” and “never” and test them.
- Know when to stop. If someone is upset, listen first. Clarify later.
The Meta Model and hypnosis
A hypnotherapist might use the Meta Model to understand what a client really wants (“When you say ‘confident’, what will be different?”), then use more open language during the hypnosis itself.
The bottom line
The Meta Model is, at heart, a habit of asking better questions. It is a useful one, and you can adopt it without taking on NLP’s bigger claims.
Next in the series: Well-Formed Outcomes: NLP’s Approach to Goal Setting
This article is for general information and is not medical advice.